Calle Ocho (Recession Remix ’09 Volume 2.0)

It’s spring again.

Everybody knows it’s spring again.

To the girls and boys and people above.

This is the time to fall in love.

Nobody beats the Biz.

It’s March. And that can only mean one or all of four things – aguaseros, St. Patrick’s Day (think Miller Lite with blue #2 and yellow #5), my birthday ($20’s, $50’s, & $100’s, cashier’s checks, and wire transfers are accepted – no personal checks), and

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Recession Remix ’09 Volume 2.0 Version

The Recession Remix ’09 version didn’t include the last (or first – depends on your perspective – half empty/half full?) 7 blocks this year. SW 11th AVE served as the festival’s eastern boundary (as opposed to SW 4th AVE in years past). Kiwanis of Little Havana, sponsor and organizer of the 31-year-old street festival, was forced to (surprise, surprise) cut costs. Organizers cite that donations aren’t rolling through like they used to (not exactly in those words, but…).

Apparently, artists aren’t donating their talents these days either. Baby Rasta y Gringo, Fat Joe, and Mr. 305 himself – Pitbull (of “Culo” fame) – served as “headliners” in this year’s edition, a far cry from the Celia Cruzes, El Gran Combos, Oscar D’Leons, Willie Chirinos, and yes, even the talentless Gloria Estefans (with her record-setting conga line and all) of yesteryear.

But who goes to Calle Ocho for the “talent”? I mean, really, the last thing anybody’s worried about at Calle Ocho is if Yolandita Monge is gonna hit 3 octaves above Middle C. Calle Ocho is for notes of another kind

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Yep. Sapporo, the sumo wrestler in a can, was back in Little Havana this year. You may remember that last year these pups were $1 (as in won dolla). Well, the good folks at Casa Juancho – home to the sumo wrestlers – marked it up 100% this year! That’s right, this year Sapporos were

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Still the best deal in town, by far. Remember, these sumos are good for 22 oz. Did you notice the Don Q for $3? Oowee!

Nevertheless, last year’s rules (click here for last year’s rules) were still kind of in place this year. The New Balance 992’s? Check. Canon PowerShot SD 750? Got it. Hat down low? Yes, Sir. Arnette eyewear? You know it.

What else? Mas na’. Time to beat the pavement and make new friends.

Friends like

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“Peanut butter jelly time. Peanut butter jelly. Peanut butter jelly. Peanut butter jelly with the baseball bat”.

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How do you say “camel toe” in Spanish again?

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You KNOW Puelto Jico was in the house. You can’t call it a party if you didn’t invite a Puerto Rican. Straight up.

Or maybe I’ll just keep it Clark Kent and kick it with

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Naw, who wants to kick it with a mild-mannered reporter at an event like this when you can kick it with

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No come dulce de leche por el colesterol. Dice palabras en ingles mezclada con español.

Or maybe I’ll just grub on some

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Note: If the following conversation was taking place in Facebook, it would be taking place via the inbox, not on the wall (hint, hint!). Go ‘head and get you a lil’ Facebook etiquette for free…

Hachy (Cyber BFF), I thought about the paella and the dry ice and calculated the shipping costs and all that, but – remember the sumo wrestlers in a can?

I had a few.

Well, maybe a little more. You understand, I’m sure.

Not a big fan of paella? Let’s see what else is cooking:

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Alright. That’s more my speed.

How ’bout some

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I could’ve gone with

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but opted for

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and

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Nicaraguans know their meat. The carne asada was as good as it looks. Very tasty. The gallo pinto? I’ve had much better. But remember – sumo wrestlers.

The arepa? I can’t remember the last time I’ve had a good one. Anybody know where they serve a good arepa?

Dessert?

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Naw, this is a much better dessert

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Sorry. I meant this

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There.

Is that salsa music?

Of course. There’s a salsa school doing their thing in front of the stage. You know what I’m talking about. You got the guy screaming “Coca Cola” and everybody reacts to his call in synchronized manner. That’s dope. They practiced hard last week.

Hey, I know that voice. Yeah, the raspy backup vocals? You know it too? Is that…that’s him, right? You mean the guy who voted yes so that the Marlins can have their very own ballpark in the wrong location?

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I knew it was him. He’s got some vocals. Good footwork too.

Damn, I lost my friends. Where did

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go?

Damn. They left me.

Oh well, I wanted to buy you all a souvenir anyways. Check it out. I thought about getting you an

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but then you’d think I’m cheap. So I thought about

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but then you’d think I’m cheap AND a communist, so I thought “why don’t I just get them something that’ll show some good ole’ nationalistic pride?”

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but I realized right before I was about to pay that not everyone wears a belt. So I moved on to the guy right next to him, cause he had

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but I had to run out of there. Homeboy threatened to sue me after I questioned the authenticity of his goods while photographing them. Take a look:

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That’s a Louie baby!

Having to stop to catch my breath gave me a chance to think.

Being that

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I thought to myself, “Why would I buy you, my loyal readers, a generic gift at Calle Ocho when I can give you the gift that keeps on giving?”. You can have your very own straight-to-video copy of “Keep It Raunchy, Mami (and Papi)”. It’ll serve as a new and improved edition of “Calle Ocho: When In Doubt”.

You can thank me later.

Adrian Salgado is a realtor associate with dash – real estate company and can be reached at 305-491-7179 or SalgadoA@gmail.com. You can friend him on Facebook, follow him on Twitter, and/or connect with him on LinkedIn.

7 Comments

Filed under Calle Ocho

7 responses to “Calle Ocho (Recession Remix ’09 Volume 2.0)

  1. Nelson

    Estas hecho tremendo reportero, you should get a job with some local tabloid, you captured the folklore, the craziness and the ever present chuzmeria, good job!

  2. Lore

    You know I think I may have dated one of those cops in your pic🙂. Este ano no fui a calle 8 because it landed on my bday!! Which btw you missed! Pero todavia te quiero!

  3. Moniqua

    No doubt…estas kabron!

  4. Maggie

    I missed calle 8 this year again, but leave it to you to capture it all and send it our way. I felt as if I were right there with you and the rest of the drunk sweating chusmas… and all in the comfort of my own home. What would we do without your blogs Adrian? Thanks!

  5. d-

    The one good thing about Calle Ocho: your BRILLIANTLY HYSTERICAL documentation of it!!! I love it…

  6. Marciano

    Dude!! This is a masterpiece!!
    Btw the guy at the end has great teeth!! Ha!!

  7. WOW!!! el primo reportero!!! we should get you a show on mega or americaTV 41 and of course some chunky bucktooth cubanita dancers for your show intro!!! Oye, i must start by saying THANK YOU for adding lots of pics on your blog, cuz my Disleksia kicks like a mofo if colorful pics aren’t in my reading material.

    I’d like to say i’m sorry to inform miami i didnt attend the the World Renowned festival known as Key Juan Is (Calle ocha). i stopped attending 10 yrs ago. it all started when i went to enjoy my heritage at its worst. i was wearing a linen guayabera shirt and matching pants (dammit i looked fly!!!) and a pair of open-toe leather hugo boss sandles. i walked all day enjoying the food, music and of course las chancleteras with the bajachupas. After exploring all of miami’s best, i was tired and rested next to one of miami’s native creatures…an 8-foot colorful chicken. these creatures roam all up and down 8th st. while i was resting, a young miami chonga sat down on the curb landing her a*s on my foot (my open-toe hugo boss sandle). she didn’t feel that my foot was under a*s and i was too shy to say anything, so i just stayed there waiting for her to get up (i did wiggle my toes a couple of times, but i think she got off on that…lol). after that i called it a day.

    two days later i started to get an itch on my left foot. i tried some foot powder to stop the itch to no avail. i went to the doc to find out i’d contracted a yeast infection on my big toe which was treated on time. my conclusion.. calle ocho has great food ,overpriced drinks, oversized roaming chickens and yeast infected chongas. that’s the reason why i haven’t been to calle ocho since. they should rename it the bread festival. i enjoyed your blog vena . I’ve got a good one for your next blog (craigslist escorts/hookers)

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