La Parada de los Tres Reyes Magos

threekingsbypapismall_small

It was the Vicks® NyQuil®. I knew I shouldn’t have. But damn, you know you’re not feeling well when it’s 80 degrees on your Totaline P474-1050 5/2 Day Programmable thermostat (courtesy of JP Air Conditioning), you’re shaking like a salt shaker and the Ying Yang Twins and Lil’ Jon are nowhere in sight.

I was supposed to meet Gaspar, Melchior, and Balthasar and….

The Vicks® NyQuil® knocked me out past noon.

Although I got there late (and missed out on the créme de la créme – Manny Diaz, Ileanita,  Joe Sanchez, Julio Robaina, Matti Bower, etc.), it was pretty easy to figure out the order of things:

  1. “Parade float” with big logos marketing to the Medicare-wielding Hispanic male and female demographic subset.
  2. Convertible Mustang with Univision news anchor/reporter, talk show host, and/or actor/actress sitting atop back seat smiling and waving at crowd.
  3. Motorcycle club of middle-aged men with middle-aged (but younger) woman in tow.
  4. Marching band of local historically black high school.
  5. Convertible Mustang with incumbent or aspiring local politician sitting atop back seat smiling and waving at crowd.
  6. Scantily-clad females smiling, waving, and dancing (simultaneously) while marketing a sporting event/sports team.
  7. Repeat (not necessarily in same order).

img_7927

img_7929

Yep, Leon had la orquesta.

img_7938

The only thing better than seeing Raul de Molina (of El Gordo y la Flaca fame) sitting atop the backseat of a convertible Mustang would have been seeing Raul de Molina sitting atop the backseat of a convertible Mustang while eating Lili Estefan (la Flaca) one limb at a time with napkin tucked neatly under his chin.

img_7944

“Fiera, te enterastes que voy a desfilar en La Parada de los Reyes Magos?”

Fiera: “No joda”!

“Si, el clu’ de moto mio va a desfilar. Tuuuto, El Flaaaco, El Chiiino, mi primo Arieliiito…to’ el mundo. Me llevo a Yanusleyska…”

img_7966

I know they put the “F” in FCAT, but you can’t be serious. Don’t teachers teach students to proofread?

img_7972

By this time I was doing “The Creep Dog” and leading it into “Throw the D” (My uncle Pee Wee would’ve been proud).

img_79751

img_7976

img_7977

No pun intended, I’m sure.

img_7993

img_7994

A FUEGO. Papi’s reward for missing the Eagles vs. Giants to bask in the sun with his snot-nosed little one instead (I know – priceless).

img_7960

I didn’t get this one. What does the sunglass-shielded cactus have to do with la Doctora Maribel?

img_7952

Oscar Haza, the modern day Maximo Gomez. Maximo Gomez was born in the Dominican Republic and fought for Cuba’s independence from Spain. Oscar Haza was born in the Dominican Republic and fights for TV ratings using Cuba (sigh) as his only (monotonous, some would say) topic.

img_7946

img_7947

Somebody laughed at Baryshnikov too, I’m sure.

img_79641

img_79652

U.S.A. Jersey (in a knot) with Dominican Republic cap and Cuban flag = bachata + salsa + drop it like it’s hot. Wicked.

img_7978

img_7979

img_7980-1

The people’s champ. It’s in his blood.

img_7936

How on earth did this dude score Barbara Bermudo, princesa puertorriqueña (de descendencia cubana, of course) from Guaynabo City, PR? She is the reason why anyone would watch Primer Impacto. Women to try to look like her. Men to create a mental image for later on that night.

img_7983

Peter Fonda approved.

img_7997

“Hello, deja el show. Súbete la mini-falda hasta la espalda. Súbetela, deja el show, más alta. Que ahora vamo’a bailar por to’a la jarda…”

img_80051

img_8006

img_8007

“No pague esa casa”! Alex Hanna of  Alex A. Hanna Law Library at St. Thomas University-fame would be proud.

By now, I’m sure you’re wondering: “Where’s the picture of Gaspar, Melchior, and Balthasar?”.

Great question. The search party put together  in search of los reyes was unsuccessful. They searched for camels, gold robes,  purple robes, grass, but came up empty handed.

An unnamed source (pictured below) made the following statement off the record:

“Esos descarao’ desfilaron, pero se dieron cuenta que los habian cogido pal trajin, se acomplejaron y vendieron el oro que llevaban, se parquearon abajo de una mata alante del Presidente Supemarque con un doce de Jenika (Heineken®), se fumaron la mirra y encendieron el incieso. “

I guess I’ll have to wait till next year.

Until then…

tuto1

Unnamed source

Photo Credit: The first image (artist rendition) of  Los Reyes Magos on this blog post courtesy of Marisa Montes.

adrian salgado is a realtor associate with dash, real estate company in miami, fl. you can reach him at 305-491-7179 or email him at salgadoa@gmail.com.

9 Comments

Filed under Calle Ocho

9 responses to “La Parada de los Tres Reyes Magos

  1. Cristy

    I love it…the things you come up with are hilarious but really true! The parade is pathetic…como diria Susy Aleman, no es igual…ya nada es igual!

  2. Is this really a parade or is it just one long as hell paid infomercial??
    On a side note I spotted one of the Miami Heat girls who happens to work with me. The one waving to the crowd Odaymis Romero.

  3. Adrian Salgado

    mopholeo,

    does Odaymis Romero dress in “full” uniform to go to work?

    i like her language. it speaks very well to me.

  4. hachy mendez

    just like I told you – IRREVERENT!!! keep it coming.

  5. Benigna Marko

    Eres un bravo. Love all your posts. Love it!
    Benigna Marko

  6. Lore

    I actually know that foreclosure attorney. Went to highschool with his son!

  7. Love it…keep the hamster wheel turning & generating post. thanks in advance for keeping me sane. oh, & thanks for the free advertisement. JP A/C Inc.

  8. Monica

    I am literally crying (of laughter of course) after seeing Baryshnikov! Tengo pena ajena!

  9. Benigna Torviso-Marko

    La Parada is lovely. Que siempre sigas alegre.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s